Daredevil Dad

It's that special time of year again, when I become a real life daredevil. Of course, this is completely against my nature. My general idea of daring-do is getting up off the comfy sofa in my living room.

So, once again, I put on my daredevil supersuit (an old San Francisco 49ers pullover hoodie), delved into the depths of our attic, busted out our ladders and prepared to put up our Christmas lights.

I would submit this may not seem like much of an ordeal to most folks. In fact, I remember the good ol' days when all I needed was a small ladder, a staple gun, and the lights. That was before we found our dream home that prominently features 20 degree roof slopes, and are so high I have to actually borrow an extremely tall ladder from my neighbor. And, no, I am too cheap to pay someone else to put them up.

Keep in mind - I'm not completely stupid here. I've replaced the staple gun with these white clips that slide onto the shingles. This helps reduce the likelihood of free falling from the highest peak of my roof. Still, being up that high with the wind blowing like it does during this time of year allows me to have several 'life flashing before my eyes' moments.

How I miss our first small home with the low shingles. You know, come to think of it, I guess I long to be poor again - even if it's just for one day a year.

Watch Dog - The Germaphobe

I recently volunteered at Dagger Jr.'s school to be a Watch D.O.G.S. For those not familiar with the program, dads volunteer to go into their children's school, work in the various classrooms, patrol hallways, and play with the kids. The idea is to have a constant positive male role model for those children who don't have one in the out-of-school lives.

Now, I must say I had a good time overall. Man, has school changed since I was a kid! Now, instead of neat rows of single desks and pure order in the classroom, you have kids grouped into pods of 4 working together. Also, there is constant activity with kids getting down and retrieving things or working with the teacher. I got to 'help' the 4th class do a science experiment. Plus I got to play with Dagger Jr. during recess.

One of the sacred duties of the Watch D.O.G.S. is to give 'high fives' to the kids as they walk by, or during lunch. In fact, during the lunch hours my job was to open bottle lids, open containers, give ketchup and mustard, and (of course) pass out Sporks!

As the day went on, and especially during lunch, I found my germaphobe meter going out of control. Soon I was diving for the nearest Germ-X bottle. At one point I even took a quick bath in the stuff - OK maybe not; but I can't tell you how many times I thought about all the sick germs on the kids hands.

I guess it didn't help that the kids were trying to tenderize my hand by winding up as hard as they could. My hand was ready to cook by the time school was over, and I slinked home to crash.

America the Lazy

Welcome to Socialism everyone!



In case you've been hiding in a closet the United States has just decided it has given up on the free market and self reliance that has solidified this country as The world power. Barack Obama is the antithesis of these American traits. He believes that you and I can't think well enough for ourselves, but that a bureaucratic system can. When people fail, he believes they should be given money from the government, which is stolen from successful individuals.

This election came down to two issues; both are very revealing about our current culture, but only one is truly important. The first issue revolved around race. A huge reason Mr. Obama was elected was due to his skin color. I understand first hand how terrible racism and prejudice is. I also understand why it's so terrible - because it shouldn't even matter. Same with this election - it shouldn't have even mattered. But, because there are so many lemmings out there, it held huge sway with the populace. Race should have been a footnote compared to the second issue at hand.

The second issue was the direction the country was deciding to take. Did we, as a nation, want to try and preserve the systems that have provided a foundation for a wildly successful nation, or do we want to pattern our culture after Europe? It is very enticing. Have everything provided to us, subsidized, righted. We won't have to think for ourselves - just feel. We become reactionary - not proactive or preemptive. The price, however, is very high. Our freedom.

Not our physical freedom, but an emotional freedom, a financial freedom, a self-reliant freedom... and we decided to give it all away.

The saddest part is most of us will never be able to figure out where all the problems began.

Super Dad - or not

I finally got a semi-creative idea to spend a little time with my 2 oldest children. Last week Dagger Jr. complained that he didn't get to stay up with me to watch my pre-recorded (YAY DVR!) Dallas Cowboys football game.

In addition The Boss and I have banned the children from eating outside of the kitchen - specifically the living room (think spills, crumbs and stains on carpet and couch.) Never mind that they try to sneak food out of the kitchen on a regular basis.

Thus, it was with great excitement, that I came up with an idea all by myself (insert Atta Boy here.) I would bring home a scrum-diddly-umptious Banana Foster's Cheesecake for dessert to share with them - in the living room (blanket covering the floor, mind you - I'm not suicidal) - and begin watching the football game. Greatness!

The reaction... my moment of paternal bliss where my children realize that I DON'T rely on The Boss for everything; that I do care, and I'm here to help them have a good time too... turned into Meltdown City.

Maybe my delivery was all wrong, maybe it was the fact that I had to turn off the Wii. All I know is that Dagger Jr. threw himself on the floor, got himself grounded and wound up in tears. I hate Mario.

My daughter at least tried some of the dessert before politely saying she was done. I've never seen the girl pass up dessert before.

Survey SAYS.... Dad sucks rotten eggs.

God's New Method of Humbling Mankind...and Super Mario Bros.

Actually, God's new method of humbling the human race is really an old one. However, the reason I call it new is that the old stuff doesn't seem to be working so well.

Wars? So 7 years ago.

Famine....someone get me a dictionary.

Death of the firstborn child? Fine....that one might work, but it's only been done once anyway.

No, I'm referring to good old Influenza. Now, I've noticed a disturbing trend as an adult. Where are the good old 'sick' days?

You know what I'm talking about. You've got a low grade fever, you get to stay home from school, lay in bed watching cartoons, getting food brought to you, and taking a much deserved nap (gotta catch up on some sleep from all those sleep overs!) Gone are those glory days!

Now, whenever I'm sick, it's with a vengeance. And why does it have to be nausea EVERY SINGLE TIME?!

Raise your hand when this starts sounding familiar:

1 AM - First session of worshipping the porcelain god.....followed with a curtain call and Montezuma's Revenge.

1 AM to 3 AM - Involuntary Moaning and Jesse McCartney's 'Beautiful Soul' being replayed over and over in your head (make the pain stop!)

3 AM - The worst and most humiliating moment: I am, again, worshipping the porcelain god; but holding on for dear life so that Montezuma doesn't make a mess on the floor.

In a very real sense it's like Major Payne realizing that he is useless in this new world. Bring on the BBQ rat! Luckily, I made it through the ordeal with some dignity left over.

3 AM to 5 AM - Back to Jesse being looped by DEVL Radio.

5 AM - Montezuma wasn't done with me.

5:30 AM - The Boss's alarm goes off.

Final Score:
God 3
Rubber Dagger - Negative Infinity (it's going to take me a while to get my dignity back again)

Speaking of which, I did go with Dagger Jr., The Boss, and the Ladies to a Halloween party. For 3 years now I've been trying to convince Dagger Jr. to go as Yoda so I could have the excuse of dressing up as Obi Wan Kenobi....so, of course, I get to dress up as Luigi while the smaller man gets to be Mario.

Seriously. Do I have to play 2nd fiddle ALL the time?

Double Seriously. It WAS fun faking an Italian accent though, even though nobody seemed able to laugh at the Super Mario Bros jokes I was making. After the party The Boss let me know that my accent was so bad nobody could understand what I was saying!

I swear with a blood oath....next year is Yoda and Obi Wan!

Welcome to Small Town Texas Law Enforcement

Now, just because I've received 2 tickets in the same week a couple of years ago doesn't mean I'm biased on my position on small town cops.

Indeed, I fully support these brave men and women of the speeding ticket. In Texas, after all, we don't have state income taxes - just absurdly high property taxes...municipalities need to make their money some way! Which brings me to my small story, which I believe, solidifies my conclusion that small town Texas officers are really just another revenue stream for their cities.

I was driving the Ladies to daycare and took the normal route. I exited the freeway - and came to a screeching halt...

20 minutes later I decided to try and circumnavigate whatever was holding the line up. By this time I should have been sitting down to another satisfying day on the job.

In all candor I didn't even mind being stopped for an additional 5 minutes by a crosswalk guard who was bent on stopping all traffic coming close to a school as there was no doubt that I was going to beat whatever issue was going on back on the main road. However, when I swung around on the cross street to try and merge back to the main street I found another road currently being used as an involuntary parking lot.

As the minutes laboriously passed, and the steam began pouring out of my ears I discovered what the problem was.

True, an accident was semi-blocking the main intersection - but that (in my mind) wasn't the real problem. The true culprits were the 4 officers acting like Johnny Bench.

In my demented mind I envisioned an officer standing at the center of the intersection directing traffic flow at certain time intervals to try and reduce the overall impact of the accident until the cars could be moved. This is, after all, how Los Angeles County Sheriffs manage things; and I would know since 3 of my brothers-in-law are deputies.

Instead they were allowing the motorists to work around the accident during the light intervals. Seems to make sense, right? Except this light is notoriously short on both sides. So what you end up with is a parking lot no matter which direction you looked!

Honestly, let's just stop the charade and call these folks what they are - TAX COLLECTORS

Economic Woes? Thank Greed and Stupidity.

Rubber Dagger here reporting from the blood drenched trenches of the financial industry. I talk to a lot of folks who ask me "what happened?" and "what happens next?"

I've posted this video, made in 2007 by a couple of comedians, that fairly well sums up how we got here.



Let me add one more thought to that. I recently had the pleasure of sitting down in an intimate setting (meaning a small group) with the President of Market Analysis for one of the largest investment corporations in the world; we'll call him Al.

My concern is that nobody is being held accountable in the wake of all the destruction. CEOs and CFOs, who should have known the amount of risk they were taking with these sub-prime loans, have either walked away unscathed themselves or with golden parachutes. Did you read the article about the new CEO for Washington Mutual? Google it.

The legislators seem distracted trying to spin this crisis to their own advantage, and main street Joe is worrying about pink slips.

When I brought this up and expressed my gut feeling that we are doomed to repeat ourselves due to the lack of accountability; Al agreed! He said that the problem with Wall Street is that corporations are asked to produce sales results. The CEO turns to his crack staff and asks them to come up with a product that will sell. They're not concerned with quality so much as results. Thus, in Al's words, "We find a way to shoot ourselves in the foot every 10 years or so."

Hmmm...anyone remember the .com bubble? How about Black Monday from the savings and loan debacle in 1987? Oil embargos? Great Depression?

While the facade may be new, the ailment will always be the same. Greed from investors demanding quick results creates pressure for corporations to produce those results regardless of whether the product themselves are sound.

So, where are we going from here?

Thanks to the legislators we are solidifying an even bigger socialist model. Now the government is actually going to hold shares of stock and property?! That was never supposed to happen.

However, now that it has, the government could hold on to those assets until they appreciate appropriately and sell at a profit. One could only hope they'd put these gains to good use by reducing the national debt - fat chance, though. Most likely politicians will see that money as additional welfare capital to give to those already not paying any taxes.

Also, if we keep down this path, the government will become the broker for large failed business entities. They'll swoop in and save a company who made fatal errors in their business plan and broker the restructuring to companies who haven't. Thus the free market never gets a chance to naturally restore a financial balance to the economy.

In the end, for main street Joe, the market will recover more quickly - but at what cost? We've just opened Pandora's Box and we won't be able to close it again.....

Quick - I need some Alka Seltzer

BCS Outburst

The answer is YES. I am an unashamed BYU football fan, and that's saying something living in the DFW Metroplex area. I usually only get to see my team play in person once every two years.

This year, as many may be aware, BYU has been ranked nationally in the top 25 since the beginning of the season. I had hopes of going undefeated, but I was under no illusions - we had to get through UCLA, TCU and Utah to make that happen. Since we accomplished the first feat with panache I was excited to be able to see them perform their next major test in person.

Now I'm sure you know how it is. You're at your job "working"; code for looking at all the team stats, replays from earlier season games, and listening to the coaching interviews. Let's don't forget searching for every article regarding that day's game; and yes, I did send out the BYU fight song to all my co-workers via email. Doesn't everyone?

I'm still convinced that Time was mocking me by moving at half-pace all day long. But, finally, the clock reached the magical hour and I had worked myself up into such a state that I was foaming at the mouth.

We arrived, I thought, in plenty of time to park - about 20 minutes early. The Boss (aka my wife) let me know that her leg was hurting and requested to be dropped off with Dagger Jr. near the stadium and we would rendezvous when I parked...

40 minutes later I'm still trying to find a space and have almost crashed twice as I listened to TCU go up 14-0 against my beloved Cougars.

Through a series of fortunate events I found a parking space right across from the stadium without having to pay. I meet up with The Boss and enter the stadium.

My son wastes no time running up to the TCU staff asking for a pair of free pom-poms. My only excuse is that he's 6. Clearly I've already failed miserably in raising a proper BYU fan. The Boss shouts at me over the crazed TCU fans that we're in section E row 34.

For those who haven't been to Amon Carter, there is a large winding ramp behind the seats to get you to the upper deck. Carrying my son on my shoulders (to try to make up for all the lost snaps I've missed so far) we rush up the ramp to section E. I look down at the row numbers - row 114. I'm elated! Row 34 is right down on the field!! As we continue our descent (with my BYU ballcap on) I realize I can't see a blue shirt or cap anywhere. We arrive at section 34 and realize that we only paid 21 bucks for the seats. I turned to The Boss and asked to see the tickets. Not section E, but section EU.

The walk of shame begins for my family as catcalls of "BYU is overrated" and "Cougars stink" float our direction. Dagger Jr. gets back on my shoulders for a whole new trip up the ramp, while The Boss is arguing with me the whole way that we had already gone as high as we possibly could and I was wrong. We get to the turnoff point, I point out the original error, and I'm now scolded because I hadn't figured this all out in the first place.

I'm still hopeful for my Cougars, so I try to ignore The Boss as best I can and race up the ramp to the proper section. I was in relatively high spirits since row 34 had been so close to the field in the lower section I just knew these would be great seats. I burst out into the seats and looked for the first row indicator I could find - Row 1.

The hurried charge up the steep stairs quickly turned into a trudge as I realized that row 34 was indeed the highest row in the highest section of the stadium. Just as my posterior hit my seat and my attention finally turned to the field for some glorious BYU football - the first quarter ended.

We all know the rest. My Cougars, with whom I'd bitten nails, shouted in glorious praise - but had yet to cry in bitter defeat (this year) laid a BIG FAT EGG. Meanwhile I discovered that my son was a closet TCU fan since I took him to several Horned Frog games when we first moved here. He fell in love with Super Frog and only puts up with my BYU cheering because he's afraid of my reaction to the fact that he likes TCU.

The Boss, seeing my dismay at Dagger Jr. and frustration at the game, tries to make Dagger Jr. feel better by cheering for TCU. Nothing like a couple turncoats to make you feels better when your team is getting the snot kicked out of them.

Now, I don't want to take away from TCU, because their defense was amazing; and they figured a way around our defense too. I just can't help but feel we would have done better had our receivers not dropped so many balls, and we stopped playing zone defense! The problem, of course, is the BCS.

The Mountain West teams have NO room for error, while the usual suspects (even PAC-10 teams this year) can have 1 or even 2 losses and still be considered for BCS games. There is no question in my mind that TCU was underrated coming into the ballgame. Now, however, MWC teams are eliminating themselves from BCS contention trying to scramble for the conference championship. What a sham.

Surely BYU, TCU, and Utah are on the same level as a Kansas, Oregon, Auburn, Vanderbilt, Ohio State (this year) or Texas Tech. Even Air Force could hang in there against some of these teams. But because we're a 'Mid Major' conference we will never get the respect we deserve.

That's IT...I have to go play NCAA football on XBOX and get the right outcome - no matter how many times I have to restart.